On December 11, 2008 at around 3AM, we rushed to the hospital because I was experiencing painful contractions. We had three ultrasounds and found that our precious baby girl had died. It was more than I could bear. We are not sure when, but sometime within the last few days, her heart had stopped. It was too much for me to handle.
Before she was delivered, we named her Lael - "belonging to God."
I delivered her some time on the 11th and got to hold her and pray over her and thank my God for the short time I had her. I thanked Him for having her in perfect love in heaven and praised Him in anticipation of the day I will see her in glory. I have such peace that she is with Jesus experiencing life like I have never experienced before.
I started hemorrhaging. They found I had placenta previa acreta, the placenta was growing into my cesarean scar. My uterus was trying to get rid of the placenta, but couldn't, so I kept bleeding. I was taken to the operating room and lost around half my blood. I was given three blood transfusions during the operation (D&C) and two transfusions afterward. I was told that I almost died. I woke up not knowing this but saw the look on MyLove's face. He had tirelessly prayed that the Lord would bring me back to him. My dear sister and dear uncle and dear brother-in-law all prayed there with him.
My sorrow has been for my precious Lael. My poor Love's sorrow has been for Lael and his wife. We rejoice at how the Lord took care of me and give Him glory for the limited time I got to experience Lael in my belly. I am not bitter. I am very sad and broken-hearted. I miss her.
A dear nurse of mine, Paige, who cradled Lael in a blanket and gave her to me to hold, has had two miscarriages of her own. Her hope is also in Jesus, and we talked and had a bond that was so precious. I was given a tiny burial gown and a knitted blanket for Lael made by sweet women who share this sorrow. A 98-year-old woman made the blanket and said that all mothers who have lost their baby are knitted together in a way that only we can understand. I have heard this before and have prayed and prayed that the Lord would spare me from such an experience. And lo, the Lord had different plans. So, here I am. Knitted together with a precious group of women who have had such deep sorrow and pain and have love for their little babes until their dying day. How we long to give that love to our precious little ones.
Tomorrow we will have a small burial service for Lael. I am nervous but long to honor her and my God who created her.
Martini asks lots of questions and comments how it is not fair that she is in heaven with Jesus and he can't be there with her. He says how much he wants to see her and tries to figure out ways that we can allow him to hold her. Out of no where, he will come and hug me and tell me he is sad for Lael. He loves to talk about her. He is such a good boy.
Ethan asked about her the other day. He wanted to know whose baba's they were since Lael couldn't breastfeed. He asked if I would breastfeed her in heaven. I told him no because she wouldn't be a baby anymore and that my baba's were not anyone's now. It was another sad realization for me.
Carmelita will point to my belly and say "baby?" and we tell her that "baby" isn't there anymore and that she is my baby still.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers, support, phonecalls, emails, and just for all of your love. Thank you for making us meals and sending us flowers and cards. We are encouraged by your love and continue to covet your prayers.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Status: Currently Being Knitted :-)
"For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
-Psalm 139:13,14
Yesterday, we made a trip to the doctor and walked away with sobering but great news. We saw our little daughter on the ultrasound and she is beautiful. I am 19 weeks along today.
Everything looks healthy: cervix, amniotic fluid, brain developement, growth, blood count levels. Praise the Lord! He so faithfully continues "knitting" our little daughter in my womb.
The night before I was in despair. The future looked quite ominous to me. I was trying to figure everything out and couldn't! Would you believe that?! The future just can't be figured out!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:34
I am still bleeding and show no signs of stopping. My doctor has informed me that unless the Lord moves the placenta (because there is no other way) I will be admitted to the hospital around 24 weeks. This news is such heartbreaking, despairing news for me and the night before I couldn't handle it. MyLove and I prayed for a long time and the Lord has given me such peace. If we can keep our little bun in the oven until she is about 34 to 36 weeks along, it will all be worth it.
My dear mom was here for my bedrest from Sunday night to Wed. evening and my dear sister got here Wed. night and will be here 'til Fri. evening. They are planning on being here on all weekdays as long as needed. It is such a humbling experience that makes me feel so indebted to them and yet I know they expect nothing in return. They do this out of pure love, concern and support. I love them so much. Also, some dear friends from our church, our LNO (Ladies Night Out) group is providing meals for Saturdays and Sundays until mid-January. Ahhhhhhhh, the church, what an incredible blessing they all are.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
-Psalm 139:13,14
Yesterday, we made a trip to the doctor and walked away with sobering but great news. We saw our little daughter on the ultrasound and she is beautiful. I am 19 weeks along today.
Everything looks healthy: cervix, amniotic fluid, brain developement, growth, blood count levels. Praise the Lord! He so faithfully continues "knitting" our little daughter in my womb.
The night before I was in despair. The future looked quite ominous to me. I was trying to figure everything out and couldn't! Would you believe that?! The future just can't be figured out!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:34
I am still bleeding and show no signs of stopping. My doctor has informed me that unless the Lord moves the placenta (because there is no other way) I will be admitted to the hospital around 24 weeks. This news is such heartbreaking, despairing news for me and the night before I couldn't handle it. MyLove and I prayed for a long time and the Lord has given me such peace. If we can keep our little bun in the oven until she is about 34 to 36 weeks along, it will all be worth it.
My dear mom was here for my bedrest from Sunday night to Wed. evening and my dear sister got here Wed. night and will be here 'til Fri. evening. They are planning on being here on all weekdays as long as needed. It is such a humbling experience that makes me feel so indebted to them and yet I know they expect nothing in return. They do this out of pure love, concern and support. I love them so much. Also, some dear friends from our church, our LNO (Ladies Night Out) group is providing meals for Saturdays and Sundays until mid-January. Ahhhhhhhh, the church, what an incredible blessing they all are.
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving '08!
There are so many things to be thankful for. Lately, I have been spending a lot of time sitting down or laying down due to the bleeding that's occured during my pregnancy. We recently found out that I have placenta previa. The diagnoses is not yet official since I am only 18 weeks along, but if things don't change, at 20 weeks is when my doctor says that the diagnoses is official (not sure why).
Anyway, I have had quite some time to ponder the many blessings in my life, and this is prime opportunity to write them down for rememberance.
I am thankful for:
1.) Not being afraid to die, because I know that I am an heir of God's heavenly kingdom. Why? Because I have been forgiven of ALL my sins by the precious blood of Jesus Christ.
2.) The salvation of my hubby, Martini and Ethanael.
3.) My incredible husband, who has tirelessly taken care of me and our children. He took off work all of last week to let me rest and to care for us. What a man! and what a sacrifice! He's the beeeest!
4.) My dear Martini, who is doing so much better in school now, who loves his sister and shares with her often, whose best buddy is his brother Ethan, who loves to make people laugh and who loves to talk about what Jesus has made. For Thanksgiving he said that he was thankful for everything that Jesus has made.
5.) My dear Ethan, who is more active than ever, who calls me Mama and asks to be held like my little baby for just a moment then goes back to playing rejuvinated, who loves to run around in his Iron Man costume totally engrossed in his own world of wonder. For Thanksgiving he said that he was thankful for all our food.
6.) My dear Carmelita, who is quite particular with who she shows affection to, but sure does love her family, who enjoys dancing and who will spot a baby a mile away, who feeds herself so well, and who loves to sing The B-I-B-L-E, This Little Light of Mine, and Jesus Loves me with hand motions.
7.) The precious baby girl growing in my belly.
8.) All of our family.
9.) Our health.
10.) Dear friends.
11.) Yummy food, especially when it satisfies a craving right on.
12.) Dependable vehicles.
13.) Dates with my hubby.
14.) Laughing so hard my belly hurts.
15.) A good prayer time.
16.) Restful sleep .
17.) People who are gracious.
18.) Electricity.
19.) Running water and tap water you can drink. No matter how bad you think your water is unfiltered, it is nothing like overseas!
2o.) And so much more!
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Anyway, I have had quite some time to ponder the many blessings in my life, and this is prime opportunity to write them down for rememberance.
I am thankful for:
1.) Not being afraid to die, because I know that I am an heir of God's heavenly kingdom. Why? Because I have been forgiven of ALL my sins by the precious blood of Jesus Christ.
2.) The salvation of my hubby, Martini and Ethanael.
3.) My incredible husband, who has tirelessly taken care of me and our children. He took off work all of last week to let me rest and to care for us. What a man! and what a sacrifice! He's the beeeest!
4.) My dear Martini, who is doing so much better in school now, who loves his sister and shares with her often, whose best buddy is his brother Ethan, who loves to make people laugh and who loves to talk about what Jesus has made. For Thanksgiving he said that he was thankful for everything that Jesus has made.
5.) My dear Ethan, who is more active than ever, who calls me Mama and asks to be held like my little baby for just a moment then goes back to playing rejuvinated, who loves to run around in his Iron Man costume totally engrossed in his own world of wonder. For Thanksgiving he said that he was thankful for all our food.
6.) My dear Carmelita, who is quite particular with who she shows affection to, but sure does love her family, who enjoys dancing and who will spot a baby a mile away, who feeds herself so well, and who loves to sing The B-I-B-L-E, This Little Light of Mine, and Jesus Loves me with hand motions.
7.) The precious baby girl growing in my belly.
8.) All of our family.
9.) Our health.
10.) Dear friends.
11.) Yummy food, especially when it satisfies a craving right on.
12.) Dependable vehicles.
13.) Dates with my hubby.
14.) Laughing so hard my belly hurts.
15.) A good prayer time.
16.) Restful sleep .
17.) People who are gracious.
18.) Electricity.
19.) Running water and tap water you can drink. No matter how bad you think your water is unfiltered, it is nothing like overseas!
2o.) And so much more!
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Changes
We have had so many changes lately; they are coming and going like lightning. Here are some notable ones:
1.) I am pregnant, and WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!!!
2.) Carmelita is being weaned from the breast since four days ago.
3.) No more cloth diapers, as of about four months ago.
4.) Martini wants to marry Genevieve, a classmate of his.
5.) Ethan's Mandarin is incredible, but our classes just got cancelled:-(
6.) My nephew, JonJon is going into the Army in January.
7.) My niece, Roseann, just got married and is due to have her first child about a week before me!
8.) My brother, Jimmy, was almost killed because his VW Beetle blew up! Praise the Lord, he is fine and I want to sue the pants off VW now. Yet, I digress and leave it in the hands of the Lord. Here is a picture of his Bug in the driveway. Apparently, it was an electrical malfunction.
9.) MyLove, Carmelita and I recently took a trip to Oregon (we couldn't afford tickets for the boys). Here are some pictures from the trip. MyLove was in his friend, John Turner's wedding.
Carmelita enjoying the fall leaves.
A family pic. We so wish the boys could have come.
Daddy's girl.
1.) I am pregnant, and WE'RE HAVING A GIRL!!!
2.) Carmelita is being weaned from the breast since four days ago.
3.) No more cloth diapers, as of about four months ago.
4.) Martini wants to marry Genevieve, a classmate of his.
5.) Ethan's Mandarin is incredible, but our classes just got cancelled:-(
6.) My nephew, JonJon is going into the Army in January.
7.) My niece, Roseann, just got married and is due to have her first child about a week before me!
8.) My brother, Jimmy, was almost killed because his VW Beetle blew up! Praise the Lord, he is fine and I want to sue the pants off VW now. Yet, I digress and leave it in the hands of the Lord. Here is a picture of his Bug in the driveway. Apparently, it was an electrical malfunction.
9.) MyLove, Carmelita and I recently took a trip to Oregon (we couldn't afford tickets for the boys). Here are some pictures from the trip. MyLove was in his friend, John Turner's wedding.
Carmelita enjoying the fall leaves.
A family pic. We so wish the boys could have come.
Daddy's girl.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Martini's in Love!
What a week this has been! MyLove and I have recently found out that our 6 year old son is in love!
On Monday, MyLove picked Martini up from school and Martini told him that a little girl in his class, Genevieve, was saying, "Oh, no. He's following me again." MyLove asked him why she said this and he said, "I just like being around her, Daddy. I want to be where she is." . . . Oh, so innocent!
On Tuesday, I picked Martini up from school and said, "Hello, handsome! How was school today!"
"I got a paper!" he said giddily with a big smile on his face.
"What paper?" I asked.
"I got a paper from Genevieve. She asked me 'Do you love me?' and there were two answers at the bottom. 'Yes' and 'No" He was just giggly and smiling away as he told me. And of course I couldn't hold in my laughter and surprise at what he was telling me.
"What did you do?"
"I circled 'yes' then I circled 'no.' I wanted to cross out 'yes,' but Mrs. Holmes came and took the paper and threw it away." Martini says as he puts his head in his hands and shakes his head, still with a beaming smile.
"Oh, wow! Did Mrs. Holmes talk to you about the paper?"
"No."
So, we were all just giggling away, even Ethan now a little bit.
As I drive away from the school, Martini says, "I do a little."
"You do what?"
"I am in love with her a little!" He says shyly and hits his head with his hands.
When we got home, he said he wanted to give her a paper too and immediate got out some paper and drew her a very elaborate picture. He drew himself with armor and a sword and she was in a dress and there were things all over the paper, including a couple of hearts. On the back, he drew a cross with Jesus and blood and nails in His hands and feet. He was a little embarassed to show Daddy that night, but did so and explained it all. He wanted to give it to her the next morning.
MyLove and I talked about it and I told MyLove that I would leave it up to him. Truthfully, I am at a loss. We have explained to the kids that kissing and holding hands and such affection (as Mommy and Daddy do and as seen on movies sometimes) is done when a man and woman are married. But this? I have no idea how to approach this. I was not at all prepared for this. I started really worrying that night if we were raising him correctly and if this was godly and if we should or shouldn't encourage this. Should we explain in more detail to Martini what love is and that it is for adults to act on? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?!?! MyLove just reassured me and encouraged me to pray for wisdom and to not be so worried. Praise the Lord for my grounded, calm hubby! I so need him. And praise the Lord that He's the leader and not me!!!
Wednesday morning, I was debating whether or not I would remind him about the picture he wanted to give her, but as soon as he woke up, he reached under the chair next to him and grabbed the picture. He "didn't want to forget it" so we put it in his backpack. He wasn't able to give it to her, but kept it in his desk.
I picked him up from school and two teachers peaked in the window and said, "You have a little lover boy on your hands!"
"I know! I can't believe the note and everything!"
They laughed and said bye to Martini.
"Is this normal? He's only in 1st grade!"
"Oh, don't worry. Yes, it's normal!"
We drive away and Martini says, "Mommy, I want to draw her another picture. I want to make her so many. As many as I can. I love Genevieve!" We got home and I made him concentrate on his homework first then he drew her another picture.
That night we were all just hanging out together and all of the sudden Martini says with a smile, "I asked her if she likes Kung Fu Panda and she said that she does and thinks it's funny." He was clearly thinking about her while we were all talking and playing and just being together.
Thursday morning, we put the next picture in his backpack. He wasn't able to give her this one as well but kept it in his desk. He continued talking about how much he loves her.
Martini and Ethan see Carmelita's princess books on the table and Ethan says, "Ewww, girls!" "Ethan, don't say that! I love girls! and I love Genevieve. Did you know that?!" He says forcefully with such conviction. Ethan responds, "Well, I love Mommy. Did you know that?!" We got after them for talking to eachother in a rude way and MyLove and I start laughing at the whole situation.
Friday morning, I wake Martini up telling him that it's Friday in a fun voice. I tell him that he will get the next two days off!
"No! I don't want days off. I want to go to school. I love Genenvieve!"
"Son, it's the weekend. There is no school on the weekends."
"But, I want to see Genevieve."
"Son, don't worry. You will see her on Monday."
"I won't see her on Monday!"
"You will see her on Monday."
Let me tell you, Martini has dreaded school from the very beginning. He cried for the first three weeks at school! He would pine away for Fridays, weekends, and days off. This new excitement for school has been incredible, and it is all the result of his love for this precious little Genevieve! I have met her before when I went to lunch with Martini. She is the most adorable little thing. She eats her lunch so neatly. She opens up her napkin and puts it on the table like a makeshift place mat. And she is ever so polite.
I just can't believe that I am even talking about this when my eldest child is only 6 years old!!! Oh, Lord, please give us wisdom!!!
On Monday, MyLove picked Martini up from school and Martini told him that a little girl in his class, Genevieve, was saying, "Oh, no. He's following me again." MyLove asked him why she said this and he said, "I just like being around her, Daddy. I want to be where she is." . . . Oh, so innocent!
On Tuesday, I picked Martini up from school and said, "Hello, handsome! How was school today!"
"I got a paper!" he said giddily with a big smile on his face.
"What paper?" I asked.
"I got a paper from Genevieve. She asked me 'Do you love me?' and there were two answers at the bottom. 'Yes' and 'No" He was just giggly and smiling away as he told me. And of course I couldn't hold in my laughter and surprise at what he was telling me.
"What did you do?"
"I circled 'yes' then I circled 'no.' I wanted to cross out 'yes,' but Mrs. Holmes came and took the paper and threw it away." Martini says as he puts his head in his hands and shakes his head, still with a beaming smile.
"Oh, wow! Did Mrs. Holmes talk to you about the paper?"
"No."
So, we were all just giggling away, even Ethan now a little bit.
As I drive away from the school, Martini says, "I do a little."
"You do what?"
"I am in love with her a little!" He says shyly and hits his head with his hands.
When we got home, he said he wanted to give her a paper too and immediate got out some paper and drew her a very elaborate picture. He drew himself with armor and a sword and she was in a dress and there were things all over the paper, including a couple of hearts. On the back, he drew a cross with Jesus and blood and nails in His hands and feet. He was a little embarassed to show Daddy that night, but did so and explained it all. He wanted to give it to her the next morning.
MyLove and I talked about it and I told MyLove that I would leave it up to him. Truthfully, I am at a loss. We have explained to the kids that kissing and holding hands and such affection (as Mommy and Daddy do and as seen on movies sometimes) is done when a man and woman are married. But this? I have no idea how to approach this. I was not at all prepared for this. I started really worrying that night if we were raising him correctly and if this was godly and if we should or shouldn't encourage this. Should we explain in more detail to Martini what love is and that it is for adults to act on? What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?!?! MyLove just reassured me and encouraged me to pray for wisdom and to not be so worried. Praise the Lord for my grounded, calm hubby! I so need him. And praise the Lord that He's the leader and not me!!!
Wednesday morning, I was debating whether or not I would remind him about the picture he wanted to give her, but as soon as he woke up, he reached under the chair next to him and grabbed the picture. He "didn't want to forget it" so we put it in his backpack. He wasn't able to give it to her, but kept it in his desk.
I picked him up from school and two teachers peaked in the window and said, "You have a little lover boy on your hands!"
"I know! I can't believe the note and everything!"
They laughed and said bye to Martini.
"Is this normal? He's only in 1st grade!"
"Oh, don't worry. Yes, it's normal!"
We drive away and Martini says, "Mommy, I want to draw her another picture. I want to make her so many. As many as I can. I love Genevieve!" We got home and I made him concentrate on his homework first then he drew her another picture.
That night we were all just hanging out together and all of the sudden Martini says with a smile, "I asked her if she likes Kung Fu Panda and she said that she does and thinks it's funny." He was clearly thinking about her while we were all talking and playing and just being together.
Thursday morning, we put the next picture in his backpack. He wasn't able to give her this one as well but kept it in his desk. He continued talking about how much he loves her.
Martini and Ethan see Carmelita's princess books on the table and Ethan says, "Ewww, girls!" "Ethan, don't say that! I love girls! and I love Genevieve. Did you know that?!" He says forcefully with such conviction. Ethan responds, "Well, I love Mommy. Did you know that?!" We got after them for talking to eachother in a rude way and MyLove and I start laughing at the whole situation.
Friday morning, I wake Martini up telling him that it's Friday in a fun voice. I tell him that he will get the next two days off!
"No! I don't want days off. I want to go to school. I love Genenvieve!"
"Son, it's the weekend. There is no school on the weekends."
"But, I want to see Genevieve."
"Son, don't worry. You will see her on Monday."
"I won't see her on Monday!"
"You will see her on Monday."
Let me tell you, Martini has dreaded school from the very beginning. He cried for the first three weeks at school! He would pine away for Fridays, weekends, and days off. This new excitement for school has been incredible, and it is all the result of his love for this precious little Genevieve! I have met her before when I went to lunch with Martini. She is the most adorable little thing. She eats her lunch so neatly. She opens up her napkin and puts it on the table like a makeshift place mat. And she is ever so polite.
I just can't believe that I am even talking about this when my eldest child is only 6 years old!!! Oh, Lord, please give us wisdom!!!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Ethan's Letter to Jesus
Ethan was at the park with MyLove and Carmelita and and was talking about all the things Jesus had made. He told MyLove that he wanted to write a letter to Jesus. When he got home he remembered the letter and asked MyLove to write it while he dictated.
Dear Jesus,
I love God. Please make me strong. Help me have some life. Help I have some swords and shields. Help I have strength. Help me grow up fast. Help I have some stuff to keep. Help I have feet all day.
I love you.
Ethan
Dear Jesus,
I love God. Please make me strong. Help me have some life. Help I have some swords and shields. Help I have strength. Help me grow up fast. Help I have some stuff to keep. Help I have feet all day.
I love you.
Ethan
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