Knitted in a Different Way

On December 11, 2008 at around 3AM, we rushed to the hospital because I was experiencing painful contractions. We had three ultrasounds and found that our precious baby girl had died. It was more than I could bear. We are not sure when, but sometime within the last few days, her heart had stopped. It was too much for me to handle.

Before she was delivered, we named her Lael - "belonging to God."

I delivered her some time on the 11th and got to hold her and pray over her and thank my God for the short time I had her. I thanked Him for having her in perfect love in heaven and praised Him in anticipation of the day I will see her in glory. I have such peace that she is with Jesus experiencing life like I have never experienced before.

I started hemorrhaging. They found I had placenta previa acreta, the placenta was growing into my cesarean scar. My uterus was trying to get rid of the placenta, but couldn't, so I kept bleeding. I was taken to the operating room and lost around half my blood. I was given three blood transfusions during the operation (D&C) and two transfusions afterward. I was told that I almost died. I woke up not knowing this but saw the look on MyLove's face. He had tirelessly prayed that the Lord would bring me back to him. My dear sister and dear uncle and dear brother-in-law all prayed there with him.

My sorrow has been for my precious Lael. My poor Love's sorrow has been for Lael and his wife. We rejoice at how the Lord took care of me and give Him glory for the limited time I got to experience Lael in my belly. I am not bitter. I am very sad and broken-hearted. I miss her.

A dear nurse of mine, Paige, who cradled Lael in a blanket and gave her to me to hold, has had two miscarriages of her own. Her hope is also in Jesus, and we talked and had a bond that was so precious. I was given a tiny burial gown and a knitted blanket for Lael made by sweet women who share this sorrow. A 98-year-old woman made the blanket and said that all mothers who have lost their baby are knitted together in a way that only we can understand. I have heard this before and have prayed and prayed that the Lord would spare me from such an experience. And lo, the Lord had different plans. So, here I am. Knitted together with a precious group of women who have had such deep sorrow and pain and have love for their little babes until their dying day. How we long to give that love to our precious little ones.

Tomorrow we will have a small burial service for Lael. I am nervous but long to honor her and my God who created her.

Martini asks lots of questions and comments how it is not fair that she is in heaven with Jesus and he can't be there with her. He says how much he wants to see her and tries to figure out ways that we can allow him to hold her. Out of no where, he will come and hug me and tell me he is sad for Lael. He loves to talk about her. He is such a good boy.

Ethan asked about her the other day. He wanted to know whose baba's they were since Lael couldn't breastfeed. He asked if I would breastfeed her in heaven. I told him no because she wouldn't be a baby anymore and that my baba's were not anyone's now. It was another sad realization for me.

Carmelita will point to my belly and say "baby?" and we tell her that "baby" isn't there anymore and that she is my baby still.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers, support, phonecalls, emails, and just for all of your love. Thank you for making us meals and sending us flowers and cards. We are encouraged by your love and continue to covet your prayers.