After all those sicknesses and disorganization and lack of routine I struggled so much with a grumpy, so serious, easily angered, no fun spirit. I was down and discouraged with how far behind I felt with all my "duties." The kids' schedules were waaaaay off and I just lacked joy!
After I lost Lael, the Lord did such wonders in my life, my heart, my spirit. I saw life in a whole new way. I truly felt I was filled with the Holy Spirit. Yes, I have the Holy Spirit from receiving Him when I became a believer and invited Him in my life. But, as Paul says in Ephesians 5:18-20* to be "filled with the spirit," I believe that is what I experienced. I loved easily. I was not bothered so quickly. I enjoyed every moment. Literally. I enjoyed menial things: laundry, playing Legos with the kids, cooking, DOING THE DISHES!!! I did these things unto the Lord with thanksgiving in my heart. I enjoyed my children with such depth that I would cry and hug them and love them. I just wasn't impatient. MyLove and I grew closer than ever. I was fully satisfied with the gifts from the Lord. The role He had given me. My duties.
I believe this period probably lasted around six to eight months. It was so special.
Then . . .
my heart got distracted . . .
onto myself . . .
onto the treasures of the world . . .
onto what my lack of accomplishments and how I stack up so insufficiently in the world's eyes.
And recently, I did a real heart check. I took a real, hard look at myself and saw such NON-LOVE.
Who is love?
God is love!
What is wrong with me? Lord? What do I do?
So, I prayed. I prayed that the Lord would just renew my heart to the peace, love and joy I had so experienced after losing Lael. But, suddenly fear gripped me. I then prayed that the Lord would not have to use another loss to get me there. It's amazing how quickly fear can seize you as you pray. It reminds me of Peter looking at Jesus and walking on the water then so quickly losing faith out of fear from the crashing waves all around him. The amazingness of experiencing Jesus' POWER that allowed him to walk on water was ruined, dashed because of the "powerful" waves around him. Oh, Lord. How quickly I become a Peter!
Well, with much joy and humility, I give praise to the Lord because He has brought back this joy. I do not loath my duties as I had been, and homeschooling has been going beautifully. I still lose my temper and shout, or I just don't get dinner done, but the Lord has renewed my spirit and there is nothing and no one who could have done it except for Jesus!
Jesus is the only way.
All praise and glory to Him.
-Amen
. . . The moment I post this, I just know that something will happen where I will lose my cool and COMPLETELY make my words ridiculous! I often find that when I praise the Lord for what He is doing in my life to others, that I get humbled by my own actions yet again! Oh, Lord. Save me from myself!
*Ephesians 5:18-20 "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."
-NIV Bible
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