Weaner's Remorse

Buyer's Remorse.

Seller's Remorse.

Both are very familiar.

Weaner's Remorse. What?!?

I am coining a new term because Weaner's Remorse is what I have right now.

Actually, not at this very moment as I sit in C's bed with C and G on either side of me sleeping so soundly, but, I have been having it in droves of late. On Nov. 2nd, in the middle of the day, I decided it was time to wean G from breastfeeding . . . and I was overcome with Weaner's Remorse!

We had gone to the nursing home to minister to those precious, old souls when G kept asking for baba's. It was during the message, so it wasn't taking me away from the residents there, but as she laid there playing and not really eating, I realized it was time. G is 22 months old, I think we've had a great run, but, it's now time to move on. There is a point when a mommy just knows that it's time to wean. It happened also with C and M. I just knew we were both ready and/or needing to move on.

We came home and she asked for baba's again, and I tried to destract her, hold her, feed her . . . a slew of things. And, this is when I realized there is a very strong correlation between drug withdrawals and breastfeeding withdrawals.

G got to the point of absolute panic. She was crying then screaming, she was shaking and snot was coming down her nose. She was sweating and kicking and when I would hold her she would kick and scream and pull at my shirt. I tried holding and dancing with her. I tried rubbing her back, singing to her, playing with her. She was absolutely inconsolable. I felt so bad, but I really believe that it was our time to stop. The kids were asking me to please feed her, but I had made my decision.

Talk about weaner's remorse!!!! I had it through and through and boy did I question myself!

She finally tired herself out and I rocked her and rocked her. I sang to her the Ford version of Mockingbird through tears and heartache, and I looked up to see Martini and Ethan just staring at us and mesmerized, completely distracted from their schoolwork. When I stopped singing, they said, "Mommy! I like that song." And, I got to tell them how I used to sing it to them when they were so little. Again, more tears at those memories.

Now, this was not just a rash decision that day. I had been pondering weaning her for about two months, but I just couldn't. I loved nursing her and our time together was so precious. At night, which was my favorite time to nurse, she would lay in bed and just giggle and say, "Mommy! Baba's!" and just hug me and enjoy it so much. But, she would nurse almost the entire night. I noticed a cavity in one of her front teeth and this is something we have struggled with all the children. Doctors definitely don't recommend nursing through the night because of deterioration, but I have always been partial to cosleeping and night-nursing. Also, in the daytime, she was starting to want baba's all the time and not really eat, but just pacify herself. It was getting quite difficult with homeschooling and such and I realized also she would "snack" on baba's and not eat enough food.

Back to Nov 2nd. That night, I told MyLove my decision while kind of seeing if what I said was rational. He told me that he was on board with whatever I decided. I fully intended it to be the end, but that night, she was desperate and so giggly and happy to have baba's and I was too tired to resist. So, my sweet G got her baba's and I got sleep!

Fastforward to Nov. 5th. MyLove surprised me with a wonderful birthday karaoke party that lasted 'til 3AM, so with the urging and encouraging of Mema, G spent her first night away from me and without baba's. I cried. I felt sad. I felt guilty.

Weaner's remorse . . .

Tonight is now the 3rd night at home that she has not had baba's. The last time she nursed was early, early on the morning of my birthday. I still have weaner's remorse in that I do miss our sweet time together. I miss putting her to sleep in such a precious, trusting way.

The past two nights I have had to rock her and console her to sleep. With the others, I would push them around the house in the umbrella stroller. G loathes it for some reason. Something sweet has come of this though. Each night I hold her she falls asleep on my chest after some crying and confusion of what she really wants. She wakes up wanting baba's but I just tell her, "Mama's here. Mama's here." and I rub her back or rock her again and lay her down. It's really been sweet because our bonding time hasn't gone away. We are just bonding now in a different way. Whenever she is tired, she buries her head in my skin or my shirt and just smells me and wants to be close to me. It just tugs at my heart so much

So, my weaner's remorse is slowing waning because we are still able to bond.

My sweet G, one thing I regret so deeply is I never captured on video your excitement before going to bed with the baba's. So sweet. So innocent. I love you!!!!

I want to remember this: while getting ready to take you to Mema's, you grabbed my bra and brought it to me saying, "Mommy. Baba's. Pleeeease." and I so wish I had nursed you one last time, but instead I felt like I shouldn't do it since I had started weaning during the day. So, we finished getting ready and got in the van. I am crying as I write this even. Your voice was so sweet and hopeful . . . Boy, I just feel so terrible. What was the big deal? I could have nursed you one last time. I could have enjoyed the time and sat there and let you have your "security blanket!"

Weaner's remorse . . . Oh, so deeply . . . It's such a difficult thing.